How to Get your Housemate to Clean Up After Themselves

May 4th, 2015 by Pearson

As much as we sometimes enjoy the presence of a housemate, the deadweight kind can drive us up the wall and into a homicidal rage. All it takes is a simple,

“I’ll do the dishes tomorrow because I’ve got to prepare for a Skype date with Chad”

Or

“Sorry bro, I drank all your milk after realising it was going to go bad two weeks from now”
…to make you wish you lived in a hole by your lonesome.

While you might want to kick your housemate out through your fourth floor apartment window, you can’t do that for legal reasons. If getting rid of them isn’t as easy as expected, reforming them is the tangible solution.

1. A Mothers Trash Talk
It may be unprincipled and cruel, but your roommate had it coming the moment they decided to leave dishes out until maggots started writhing in the sink. Get their mom to make an unannounced weekend visit, for dinner or lunch. Clean your own quarters and anything you’re responsible for. In so doing, their mother will see just how much of a dirt bag her child is and give them an hour long lecture on the reasons why they’re still single.

2. The Sickness of Garbage
Have you ever heard of Morgellons disease? Neither has your housemate. Inform your roomie that you’ve contracted a condition that spreads via dirty living conditions, and causes flatulence as well as other undesirable social situations. Make sure you mention that the doctor caught it in time and gave you treatment, but warned that a worse, untreatable strain may be looming. Ooh! Show them pictures.

3. Bring on the Dirty Nightmares
This may be a bit extreme, but those eroding dishes aren’t going to clean themselves any time soon. While your roommate is out cold, enter their room dressed in garbage and start whispering into their ears. Pretend to be the ghost of trash’s past and give them an entire monologue predicting their refuse-ridden future if they don’t clean up their act. The costume is more for cinematic effect as you upload the entire video to YouTube, documenting the psychological experiment over five days – Golden Globes, here you come.

4. Passive Aggressive Rubbish
When all of the above mentioned tips don’t work in your favour, you can always take the passive aggressive route. Make it a point to always bring up the issue of the dishes, and how you’re so cool with them not being washed. Mention just how much you’d love to cook a variety of foods, but can’t because the pots are dirty. Lastly, leave a note, telling them you’ve gone out to buy takeaway and wanted to know what colour paper plates they prefer.

It’s easy to reform your albatross of a housemate who doesn’t value your philosophy on cleanliness. All it takes is careful planning, a calm persona and a somewhat vindictive and malicious demeanour and you’ll be enjoying a clean sink in no time.